Is it okay to suggest in this post-modern culture that we as men and women are equal but often different? Too often equality becomes reduced to a sterile sameness. True equality between the sexes involves a joyous celebrating of our very real differences. Men and women are so wonderfully different that many authors have been writing books exploring this unique key to marital and relational satisfaction. We really do come from different ‘worlds’ as men and women.
Gary Smalley, the best-selling author on relationships, has put enormous research in exploring just how male/female differences actually affect us. Smalley comments that “most marital difficulties center around one fact – men and women are TOTALLY different…virtually every cell in a man’s body has a chromosome makeup entirely different from those in a woman’s body.” Dr. James Dobson says that there is strong evidence indicating that the ‘seat’ of the emotions in a man’s brain is wired differently than in a woman’s.
Greater understanding of our differences can bring greater acceptance and love between men and women. Dr. Paul Popenoe, founder of the American Institute of Family Relations in Los Angeles, dedicated most of his working life to the research of biological differences between the sexes. He found that females outlive males by four to eight years because of their greater constitutional vitality and perhaps because of their unique chromosome makeup. Women’s thyroid is larger and more active than that of men, giving them a greater resistance to cold. Women’s blood contains more water and 20 percent fewer red cells. Since the red cells supply oxygen to the body cells, women in general tire more easily. An illustration of this is that when the working day in British factories was increased from ten to twelve hours during wartime conditions, accidents increased 150 percent among women but not at all among men. Women can withstand high temperatures better than men because their metabolism slows down less.
Another important difference is in the area of women’s intuitive gifting. Smalley holds that each woman has a built-in marriage manual within her. She intuitively knows what she needs, what the relationship needs, and what, if anything, is wrong with the marriage. All she needs is a husband who is courageous enough to ask her to share her marriage manual with him.
Neuropsychologists McGuinness and Tribran led a Stanford University research team investigating this unique intuitive capacity. They discovered that women do in fact catch subliminal messages faster and more accurately than men. Someone has observed that women often use logic more as a tool, while men tend to treat logic as the bottom line. In my own life, I have had to retrain myself over the years to stop shutting down my intuitive impressions, in favour of what seemed to be the obvious logical course of action. I have found that when I close down and ignore my intuitive perceptions, they become weaker and much fainter.
Gary Smalley admits that generalizations about gender differences are probably only true 70 or 80 percent of the time. Every individual is indeed an individual. Even so it is amazing how many couples are finding a new lease on their marriage through learning to rejoice in gender differences. Smalley noted how often men tend to be focused on gathering and sharing facts. Facts can far too easily swallow up feelings in marriage. This can lead us as men to be “Mr. Fix-it’s” in our intimate relationships. Yet there is no better way to destroy a healthy marriage than to attempt to fix our wives and solve their problems. Smalley and others remind us that our addiction to fixing our wives must be replaced by a radical commitment to just being there and listening, no matter how helpless and painful that makes us feel. When our wives keep talking about their problems, we often fall into the trap of defensiveness, somehow feeling that we’re to blame. Yet in fact the most healing thing that we can do is to not run, and not defend ourselves, but rather hang in there with our total attention on our wives.
John Gray observes that when a woman gives advice to another woman, it is most often seen as an act of kindness and generosity. Women firmly believe that when something is working, it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. Gray observes however that this “Home Improvement” tendency often backfires when applied across the gender divide. Offering help and advice to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved. Advice in the male world is usually only received well when asked for in the first place. Gray holds that one of the best gifts a wife can give her husband is to abstain from giving him advice, and instead give him acceptance and approval. A man’s deepest fear, says Gray, is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. Accordingly one of the best gifts a woman can give her man is to believe in him, and to stand with him, when he begins to doubts his own abilities.
The Good Book calls men to love their wives as themselves and for wives to honour their husbands. Why does it say this? Because as men we are often crippled in expressing romantic love. Why do romance novels sell by the hundreds of millions? Primarily because we men are missing out on this very deep need of our wives to be cared for and romantically loved. Too often our marriages become predictable and stale as a result. Why then does the Good Book call wives to honour their husbands? Because in this dog-eat-dog competitive world, if our wives won’t honour us and believe in us, then no one likely will. When my wife honours me, I feel like a million dollars. My prayer is that many husbands and wives reading this message may learn to rejoice in their glorious God-given gender differences.
-previously published in the Deep Cove Crier/North Shore News
P. S. Click this Amazon link to view for free the first two chapters of our new novel Blue Sky.
“I’m afraid there’s been an accident…”
Sandy Brown and her family have just moved to Spokane, Washington where her husband, Scott, is pastoring a new church. With a fresh start, Sandy is determined to devote more time to her four children. But, within weeks of settling in their new life, the Brown family is plunged into turmoil.
Sandy receives shocking news that her children aren’t safe, which brings back haunting memories of the trauma she experienced as a girl. Then, the unthinkable happens…
A brutal attack puts Sandy on the brink of losing everything she’s loved. Her faith in God and the family she cherishes are pushed to the ultimate limit.
Is healing possible when so many loved ones are hurt? Are miracles really possible through the power of prayer? Can life return to the way it was before?
Blue Sky reveals how a mother’s most basic instinct isn’t for survival… but for family.
If you’re a fan of Karen Kingsbury, then you’ll love Blue Sky. Get your copy today on paperback or kindle.
-The sequel book Restoring Health: body, mind and spirit is available online with Amazon.com in both paperback and ebook form. Dr. JI Packer wrote the foreword, saying “I heartily commend what he has written.” The book focuses on strengthening a new generation of healthy leaders. Drawing on examples from Titus’ healthy leadership in the pirate island of Crete, it shows how we can embrace a holistically healthy life.
To receive a personally signed copy within North America, just etransfer at ed_hird@telus.net, giving your address. Cheques are also acceptable.
-Click to purchase the Companion Bible Study by Jan Cox (for the Battle of the Soul of Canada) in both paperback and Kindle on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
-Click to purchase the Companion Bible Study by Jan Cox (for the Battle of the Soul of Canada) in both paperback and Kindle on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
To purchase any of our six books in paperback or ebook on Amazon, just click on this link.
It takes courage to say ‘No’. It takes courage to stand up against abuse. Over the years, I have met many people in abusive situations who have paid a great price to eventually extricate themselves from the vicious cycle of manipulation and recrimination.
Sexual and physical abuse, in particular, scars the victim deeply. Often the victims falsely blame themselves. Recovery from abuse involves breaking the conspiracy of silence and deception perpetrated by abusers. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, we are as sick as our secrets. Only the truth, however painful, can really set us free. Secrecy keeps us chained to our abusers.
Part of the cycle of abuse is that abusers are very skilled at blaming the victim. Many abuse victims internalize these false accusations and begin to blame themselves. Sexual abuse victims often carry a false sense of guilt and shame. Breaking false shame off victims can be very liberating. Sometimes scripture can help release people from such self-rejection: ‘You are already clean because of my word spoken to you’ (John 15:3) and ‘Do not call unclean that which God has made clean’ (Acts 10:15). All of us need to experience the cleansing stream of God’s Holy Spirit. All of us need to be washed with the water of the Word, removing our stains and blemishes (Ephesians 5:27). All of us need catharsis in our daily lives.
Abusers exercise ongoing control over their victims through fear and guilt. The heart of all addiction is the cycle of fear and guilt. Breaking the cycle of manipulation will release massive breakthrough in a person’s life. As the Good Book puts it, perfect love casts out all fear. Breaking the power of fear is critical to putting the abuse victim on a stable footing. Abusers are always destabilizing the victim’s environment, causing them to ‘walk on eggshells’. Abusers will often use ‘divide and conquer’ techniques that cuts the victim off from their natural support network.
God’s truth through Scripture can be most helpful here. It is not by accident that the phrase ‘Do not fear’ is used over 365 times in the Bible, at least once for every day of the year. As Timothy was once reminded, God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7) . God’s gift of ‘a sound mind’ is key to removing ‘stinking thinking’ and giving us instead peace that passes all understanding. God hasn’t given us a spirit that makes us a slave again to fear but rather has given us the Spirit of adoption (Romans 8:15). The key to breaking fear is realizing that in Jesus, we are adopted, we are chosen, we are accepted in the beloved. Nothing can cast us away from his loving arms.
Abusers specialize in condemning their victims as bad and unworthy of acceptance. The Good Book in contrast says that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Breaking the power of condemnation releases great joy into the lives of abuse victims. No longer do they need to falsely accuse themselves and beat themselves up. Instead they learn to accept themselves in Christ’s love. When the manipulative power of fear and condemnation is broken, victims can become victors in remarkable unexpected ways. Creativity becomes released. Healthy boundaries become re-established. Abusers lose their power to control and entrap others. Victims stop enabling the very behaviours that keep them enslaved.
It all starts when people stop rewarding abusers and start blowing the whistle on them, when people say no to manipulation, say no to fear and guilt, say no to the ways of death and destruction. It takes courage to reach out to the support networks around you, whether to your teacher, doctor, social worker, counsellor or pastor, but it is well worth it. It is not your fault. You deserve better. Say no to abuse. Say yes to life. You are worth it. You are loved.
Two resources that I would recommend in your recovery from abuse are Dr. James Dobson’s book ‘Love Must Be Tough’ and Dr. Townsend & McCloud’s best-selling ‘Boundaries’ book. My prayer for each person reading this article is that we and our families will be given the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference, in Jesus’ name.
The Rev. Dr. Ed Hird, BSW, MDiv, DMin
-previously published in the North Shore News/Deep Cove Crier
P. S. Click this Amazon link to view for free the first two chapters of our new novel Blue Sky.
“I’m afraid there’s been an accident…”
Sandy Brown and her family have just moved to Spokane, Washington where her husband, Scott, is pastoring a new church. With a fresh start, Sandy is determined to devote more time to her four children. But, within weeks of settling in their new life, the Brown family is plunged into turmoil.
Sandy receives shocking news that her children aren’t safe, which brings back haunting memories of the trauma she experienced as a girl. Then, the unthinkable happens…
A brutal attack puts Sandy on the brink of losing everything she’s loved. Her faith in God and the family she cherishes are pushed to the ultimate limit.
Is healing possible when so many loved ones are hurt? Are miracles really possible through the power of prayer? Can life return to the way it was before?
Blue Sky reveals how a mother’s most basic instinct isn’t for survival… but for family.
If you’re a fan of Karen Kingsbury, then you’ll love Blue Sky. Get your copy today on paperback or kindle.
-The sequel book Restoring Health: body, mind and spirit is available online with Amazon.com in both paperback and ebook form. Dr. JI Packer wrote the foreword, saying “I heartily commend what he has written.” The book focuses on strengthening a new generation of healthy leaders. Drawing on examples from Titus’ healthy leadership in the pirate island of Crete, it shows how we can embrace a holistically healthy life.
To receive a signed copy within North America, just etransfer at ed_hird@telus.net, giving your address. Cheques are also acceptable.
-Click to purchase the Companion Bible Study by Jan Cox (for the Battle of the Soul of Canada) in both paperback and Kindle on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
-Click to purchase the Companion Bible Study by Jan Cox (for the Battle of the Soul of Canada) in both paperback and Kindle on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
To purchase any of our six books in paperback or ebook on Amazon, just click on this link.
Every financial decision is a life decision. As someone once said, “Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.” True prosperity, according to the original Webster’s Dictionary, is “advance or gain in anything good or desirable.” True prosperity is found in our posterity, not in our portfolio. As J.W. Whitehead put it, “Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.”
Investing in the development of our children’s character is the most strategic kind of investing on earth. What greater reward is there for us than to see our children develop character qualities such as integrity, honesty, teachability, loyalty, responsibility, courage, determination, endurance, hospitality, generosity, and humility? That is why Albert Einstein once said, “Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.”
Russ Crosson, financial planner and author of A Life Well Spent, holds that the only mark that will truly last is our posterity. He defines posterity first of all as our descendants, and secondly as those individuals in whom we have significant influence. The best way, he says, to get a higher return on life is to invest in our posterity.
The root of the word “business” is busy-ness. So often in our frantically busy world of business, our children get squeezed out of our day-timer. Lack of time is the greatest block to strategic investing in our posterity. Time is our most finite and irreplacable resource. Time is the best gift we can give our children. As Dr. James Dobson, Founder of Focus on the Family, puts it, “If a couple lose our kids, they have nothing.”
Russ Crosson points out four time-stealers that rob our investment in our posterity:
our inability to say no
our inability to slow down
our inability to turn off the television
our inability to control our desire for possessions.
Richard Swenson commented: “to be able to say no without guilt is to be freed from one of the biggest monsters in our overburdened lives.” Many of us unfortunately, in our desire to be positive, keep adding more and more onto our schedules. It is usually our time with our children that bears the brunt. Russ suggests that we should only say yes if it replaces something else that’s already in our schedule.
The second time-stealer is our inability to slow down. Crosson comments that in today’s world everything goes fast, and we strive constantly to see if we can make it go faster. If the computer makes us wait seconds for data, we want a new computer. If the fast-food line takes more than two minutes, we get impatient and visit another fast-food place the next time.
Richard Swenson holds that our relationships are being starved to death by velocity. No one has time to listen, let alone love. Our children lay wounded on the ground, run over by our high-speed intentions.
Perhaps symptomatic of this tragic busyness is how many families no longer have time to even eat together at dinner. Investing in our posterity means taking the radical step of slowing down our frantic pace and taking time to actually listen to each other.
Jane Fonda, the famous actress said: “The few things I regret in my life are.not having put enough time into mothering, wiving, taking care of the inner life.”
The late Billy Graham, Christian statesman and communicator, said: “The greatest mistake was taking too many speaking engagements and not spending enough time with my family.”. Life is just too short. Life is too sudden.
My prayer for those reading this article is that we may become strategic investors in the things that last forever.
-previously published in the Deep Cove Crier/North Shore News
P. S. Click this Amazon link to view for free the first two chapters of our new novel Blue Sky.
“I’m afraid there’s been an accident…”
Sandy Brown and her family have just moved to Spokane, Washington where her husband, Scott, is pastoring a new church. With a fresh start, Sandy is determined to devote more time to her four children. But, within weeks of settling in their new life, the Brown family is plunged into turmoil.
Sandy receives shocking news that her children aren’t safe, which brings back haunting memories of the trauma she experienced as a girl. Then, the unthinkable happens…
A brutal attack puts Sandy on the brink of losing everything she’s loved. Her faith in God and the family she cherishes are pushed to the ultimate limit.
Is healing possible when so many loved ones are hurt? Are miracles really possible through the power of prayer? Can life return to the way it was before?
Blue Sky reveals how a mother’s most basic instinct isn’t for survival… but for family.
If you’re a fan of Karen Kingsbury, then you’ll love Blue Sky. Get your copy today on paperback or kindle.
-The sequel book Restoring Health: body, mind and spirit is available online with Amazon.com in both paperback and ebook form. Dr. JI Packer wrote the foreword, saying “I heartily commend what he has written.” The book focuses on strengthening a new generation of healthy leaders. Drawing on examples from Titus’ healthy leadership in the pirate island of Crete, it shows how we can embrace a holistically healthy life.
To receive a signed copy within North America, just etransfer at ed_hird@telus.net, giving your address. Cheques are also acceptable.
-Click to purchase the Companion Bible Study by Jan Cox (for the Battle of the Soul of Canada) in both paperback and Kindle on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
-Click to purchase the Companion Bible Study by Jan Cox (for the Battle of the Soul of Canada) in both paperback and Kindle on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
To purchase any of our six books in paperback or ebook on Amazon, just click on this link.
Another important difference is in the area of women’s intuitive gifting. Smalley holds that each woman has a built-in marriage manual within her. She intuitively knows what she needs, what the relationship needs, and what, if anything, is wrong with the marriage. All she needs is a husband who is courageous enough to ask her to share her marriage manual with him.
The Good Book calls men to love their wives as themselves and for wives to honour their husbands. Why does it say this? Because as men we are often crippled in expressing romantic love. Why do romance novels sell by the hundreds of millions? Primarily because we men are missing out on this very deep need of our wives to be cared for and romantically loved. Too often our marriages become predictable and stale as a result. Why then does the Good Book call wives to honour their husbands? Because in this dog-eat-dog competitive world, if our wives won’t honour us and believe in us, then no one likely will. When my wife honours me, I feel like a million dollars. My prayer is that many husbands and wives reading this message may learn to rejoice in their glorious God-given gender differences.
Sandy Brown and her family have just moved to Spokane, Washington where her husband, Scott, is pastoring a new church. With a fresh start, Sandy is determined to devote more time to her four children. But, within weeks of settling in their new life, the Brown family is plunged into turmoil.
By the Rev. Dr. Ed Hird
Russ Crosson, financial planner and author of A Life Well Spent, holds that the only mark that will truly last is our posterity. He defines posterity first of all as our descendants, and secondly as those individuals in whom we have significant influence. The best way, he says, to get a higher return on life is to invest in our posterity.
that rob our investment in our posterity:
Richard Swenson holds that our relationships are being starved to death by velocity. No one has time to listen, let alone love. Our children lay wounded on the ground, run over by our high-speed intentions.
communicator, said: “The greatest mistake was taking too many speaking engagements and not spending enough time with my family.”. Life is just too short. Life is too sudden.
Sandy Brown and her family have just moved to Spokane, Washington where her husband, Scott, is pastoring a new church. With a fresh start, Sandy is determined to devote more time to her four children. But, within weeks of settling in their new life, the Brown family is plunged into turmoil.
Edhird's Blog 